Thursday, March 20, 2008

I would have NEVER

This title reflects my feelings regarding the actions of one of my children. After I discussed said actions with my sister, QA2, we both determined that we would have never done that. Never. Ever.

When I tell my children to go into time out they do not comply. In fact, Middle for the most part, screams "NO!". It is only when I threaten to remove his Cars shirt does he head for his room. It is always a battle.

I don't know if it was respect or fear, probably both, but I would never have dreamed of speaking that way to my parents. Ever. The thought didn't enter my mind. We knew the rules, respect was number one. They spanked us, certainly not to excess, but we were spanked. And nothing brought the hand onto my bum faster than a flippant remark. I am a quick study.

I know being a parent in this day and age is not easy, mom's work, everyone is stressed out about money, etc. But, I am the parent and what I say goes. It may be archaic and for sure if King Daddy were standing behind me he would say I was completely ridiculous. But you know what? I am trying to raise respectful children in a completely disrespectful world. And I mean that in the truest sense of the word. Girls are wearing makeup and thongs at a most inappropriate age, sex is nothing more than a hand shake and all of it means that there is a lack of respect for ones own body. So I am super big on respect, all aspects of respect. And the fact that my children do not comply with me when I send them to time out, is something that I will continue to work on.

I watch Super Nanny and Nanny 911, read Parents magazine and listen to people who I consider to be wise. I get a lot of good tips from all of these mediums. When watching the nanny shows, I sit proud as a peacock that our family is not as dysfunctional as that family. The one I need to work on the most? Yelling. Yelling does not help at all. It exacerbates every situation, particularly with Middle. The second one? Patience, I have no patience.

Am I a bad mother? Quite the opposite. I am a GREAT mother. But I am human, I am flawed, but in my flaws I love my children fiercely and only want what is best for them. Teaching them respect for me will undoubtedly serve them well throughout their entire lives. I should know, I speak from experience. I will continue to work on this with them and one day it will be better.

What is that saying about being a boss and a friend? It never works, I view parenthood very much the same way.

Author's note: My children are completely compliant, respectful and polite while in the care of other adults and I know that most children are.


Anonymous said...

This is such a good post. I agree that today's culture can make raising children to be respectful AND responsible very difficult. Finding enough patience is a daily struggle for me. My older daughter in particular struggles with listening and by the end of the day I hate to admit that I find myself losing my temper and raising my voice when she fails to listen for the millionth time.

On a lighter note, your post about the dead mouse was a familiar ordeal. One of our labs tends to catch and kill 6-10 chipmunks each year. Last autumn I found him with one before it was completely dead - I got him away from it, and the poor little chipmunk was writhing around, but I didn't have the stomach to do what I knew clearly needed to be done. DH wasn't going to be home for hours and so I called my best friend who is such a true friend that she came over and "took care of it" for me. Now that is friendship!

KathyLikesPink said...

I agree with you completely. I have tried to teach my daughter to be respectful and for the most part I have been proud of her.

She just turned 13 and she's testing me. I have floundered a bit, in that I don't want to embarrass her in front of her best friend, but I know I need to nip this is the bud NOW, because it will only get worse if I don't.

We are overdue for a reminder chat

Karen said...

How very relevant. I talk all the time about how disrespectful my kids are, and I harp at them all the time about it. My mom confirmed that we weren't like that growing up, and my friends are telling me that they're fighting the same battle.

It's a sign of the times. I fear for what our children face when they have kids.

lisa marie said...

I was terrified of my parents and they weren't mean, I mean in my mind they were but they weren't abusive. I just knew I'd get in trouble. Them being mad at me was enough to keep me good.

I do remember once I stomped on my way to the corner (old time time-out) and my dad made me stomp the whole time I was there. I cried the whole time and didn't want to stomp, each time I quit he would say, "keep stomping".

Ah, the good ole days.

Marlee said...

I think I'm going to print this post and hang it on my refrigerator so I can read it EVERY. DAY.

Oh, and if you find something that works... PLEASE let us know! :)

Anonymous said...

Ah Mrs. Queen Mommy. Hi!
MY COMMENT = This was a wonderful and head-nodding post. I agreed the whole time as I read.
Obviously we all have a similar challenge. I have full empathy.
I was raised in a home with a High School principle father who didn't take it from any of the students at school or kids at home. Consequenly, I was very respectful.
MY BACKGROUND = I am also by birth and nature a left brained, logical, structured, orderly, and well planned person ( A project manager by trade ). This by itself caused me to follow the plan, obey the rules, and do it with a smile.
MY UNDERSTANDING = Now, the father of 5 ( 1 girl and 4 boys ) I have struggled with this as well. I assume that when I would ask - it would be done. I soon learned that was not the case. They seemed to come to us with very strong personalities. And how the middle child knew he was the middle child before he was - boggles my mind.
MY HOPE, MY JOY, MY CONTRIBUTION = I have come to belive that they were sent to us with these strong personalites and strong minds to survivie, No - not just survive, but to be triumphant in this ever challenging world. Without it, they would fail. Just as they tell us NO, they can also tell the evil influecnes NO. I have seen this in my two oldest who have left the safety of our home and taken on the world on their own. They are strong and firm in their beliefs, they stand up to those who would try to influence them for bad, and they shine as a wonderful example of good. So, contine to teach them, love them (as I know you do ), and show them the way. The day will come (as it has for me) that you will see the respect that is in them.

Lastly, the day will come that oldest ( the QM look alike ) will be as strong, stable, capable, loving, intelligent, hard working, AND RESPECTFUL as Mom.

Queen Mommy said...

Anonymous, my friend. Thank you, thank you. Your eloquent comment leaves me speechless. You are one of the wise ones I was speaking about in the post. Happy Easter to you and yours.

so tired said...

Not only did I not say "no" to my parents when I was young. I also never asked for anything. It never occurred to me to ask for anything when we were at the store.

Now my kids expect so much. I tell them no all of the time. But it's not just me. Other family members spoil them terribly. It used to be really bad but we've worked on it over the years. I want them to be happy to see the family member, not what the family member brought them.