Monday, August 16, 2010


I had my 30 week appointment last Thursday.  I was given my pre-admission packet to complete before delivery.  I asked what we could do to ensure that with this delivery I go around the same time I did with the other three ~38 weeks.  She reported that there is no sure fire way but I should remain, ahem, "active" even if I didn't want to. 

I schedule my appointments early in the day so I don't miss much work.  I do not and have not ever required Jeremy's presence at my OB appts.  He comes to the first to hear the heart beat and to the ultra sound.  In our world that is enough.  As a result I generally fill him in on the details later in the day or in the evening.  I called him on my way home to tell him that my appt went well, heart beat was good and strong.  There is no cure for my back pain save delivery and that my weight is fine.  I shared with him that my midwife said, "Now is the time to start thinking that this will be a reality."  As the words came out of my mouth I realized I had butterflies in my stomach.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected.  At this stage of a pregnancy I usually have a sense, a sense of the being inside of my body.  I don't have one now, nothing.  Is that because I have three children, one who has been diagnosed with ADD, one who is entering kindergarten and one who will be starting pre-school and there just isn't time to do anything but mother?  And mother is a loose term these days, what with my back pain and all.

It is an interesting feeling, almost denial.  We are having another baby in a few short weeks and that baby will be a wonderful addition to our family.  But it does not negate the fact that I still have butterflies about so many things.

Am I betraying my family by adding another?
Am I betraying this baby by not having a sense of him or her?
How will Ollie be with this new baby?
What will we name this little creature?
When will the nesting instincts, that I am sorely lacking, kick in?

I think it is natural to have feelings of trepidation around things that are unplanned, but I also think it diffuses the feelings to acknowledge them.  This baby is laying across my belly (transverse) and is very active, I lay in bed everynight with my hands on my belly, feeling his/her movements, wondering.  I ask for strength and guidance for just about everything and most certainly regarding this gift.  This gift that brought tears to my eyes on that cold day in February will bring tears to my eyes once again when he/she enters the world.  Only this time they will be tears of happiness and joy.

We can't wait, through the butterflies and all.  We just can't wait.   


Happy Valley Mom said...

Love your honesty!

Carrie said...


Having grown up with you, I know how amazing you are. You will be an excellent mother for a 4th time. I know this, as it is evident, by the smiles on your sons and dauther's faces, but also by the sparkle in their eyes. (you can't fake that)

Any trepidation you are feeling will dissapear when you hold your new little one for the first time.

You'll be in my thoughts!