Emoting was not a practiced 'sport' in our home. It is a learned skill for me, I have spent years mastering it and still fall short.
Two weeks after being invited in and rejected, once again, I have more clarity. I had allowed myself to deny the reality, because it goes against nature. I have been repeatedly rejected by my father. Due to his own lack of emotional capacity, that and his inability to stand up to his wife. It is painful, unimaginably painful, to say aloud, "My father has rejected me." To own that? Is mind numbingly painful. It is not an inherent flaw in me that made him reject me, but his own issues. But I do not excuse that, he does not get a pass. He made these choices.
We are all living our lives, day in and day out, separate from him with limited interaction. And yet, when the crumbs get thrown out, i.e. come and see me, we run. If my children were in a relationship like that? I would sit them down and let them know, in no uncertain terms, how dysfunctional and unhealthy this 'relationship' is. That they deserve to be with someone who is devoted, loving, supportive and who makes them a priority. They are worth more than crumbs.
Now that I have this clarity, I have to work through it on my own. He is in no position to process nor comprehend my feelings and if he were able to comprehend, he would shut me down. I have missed my chance to be actively angry at him for these wounds. So I will continue to say the Serenity Prayer and work on letting go, of him and these feelings of anger.
I spoke to his sister this evening. She shared that when she spoke to my dad last week, he was unable to make a connection and simply stated, "I am losing my mind."
I pray that God has mercy and he loses his mind quickly.