Monday, November 21, 2016

It just hurts

Grief is one of those things that hurts SO much and then the hurt wanes over time.  But it comes back with avengence as you move along the continum of grief.  I am 15 months into the loss of my husband.  FIFTEEN MONTHS.  I can hardly breathe today.  People say the holidays are hard, and they are, I am not denying that, but Thanksgiving wasn't a huge tradition at our house.  We did some things a few  years in a row, then we did others.  It is the mere absence of him that is painful, but not just this week, every single day.  With every single breath.

I recently received the proof for the headstone of my husband...I had planned the epitath, I chose the stone, I visited the stuido where it will be hand carved.  But to see that full size proof of the headstone?  Well suffice it to say I don't wish that punch in the gut on anyone.  Ever.

I am blessed to have support this far in my grief as I have heard countless stories from other widows whose friends dissapeared or their family just doesn't want to listen to it any more.  I feel so blessed for my friends and family.  I am even more blessed to be part of a wonderful bereavement group with others who have suffered a loss of this magnitude.  They get it.  They get all of it.  Because you see, there are many of us who were done growing their families, many who had dreamed of having more children with their partners, many of us lost a child, or a parent.  Many of us who were divorced when our partners died.  The common denominator for all is the pain.  The ebb and flow of our new reality, in which there remains this gaping hole.  A hole so large that you wonder if it will ever grow smaller.  Some days it is smaller, other days you are thrown so far back into the depth of despair, you cannot climb out.

I recently visited my doctor, my provider had retired, so this person was new to me.  I have always gotten on the scale backwards and educated the one taking the data, "it is not discussed."  I had not been to this office since my husband died.  My weight gain is significant as I have learned that I take comfort in eating specific foods, none of which are vegetables or salad.  The new provider encouraged me to try Weight Watchers, a program that I have had previous success on.  But I am not there.  Will I get there, probably, but I am not there yet.  Solo parenting and working full time and grieving and honoring the memory of my husband takes up a lot of time.  Not to mention getting kids to where they need to be for sports, appointments, social activities, etc.  I am tired.  A lot.  Would I feel better if I were to exercise, probably.  But I am not there yet.  Would he encourage me to get out for a mind clearing walk and to start running again, without question.  But I belive that he understands that I am just not there yet.  And I do believe that is his here with us.  I believe his love for me and our children continues, just as our love for him continues.

I am still wearing my rings and don't see that changing anytime soon.  Many have suggested that I will find a new partner.  Well that isn't in my short term life plan.  I am a mother and was a wife.  One of those is no longer, however, when I became a mother I knew that my life was no longer about me, we knew that it was about us.  That they and our relationship with eachother came first.  My job as mother is even more important now as we navigate this loss as a family.  It is my job to be available, as much as I can be, emotionally for each of their souls.  It is my job to ensure our finances are sound and that they have positive experiences.  So will I find or ever want a new partner?  Not right now.  One thing is for sure, life is full of surprises, good and bad and for now. we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Jeremy Eschelbacher, you are loved,  you are missed and you are cherished.  For all the days of my life.

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