Sunday, June 14, 2009

Anxiety attack

Every week we are short on cash. E V E R Y week. And I can't stand it any longer. It is a difficult place to be week after week. As you can imagine one can never get ahead. You can try and try and try but after while you just want to curl up into the fetal position and bury your head. A very mature reaction, I know.

I guess what frustrates me the most is the lack of urgency. I have a lack of urgency, KD does not. We are just built differently. He is seemingly in effected about the entire situation where I just get hysterical. It is a good balance, overall, but only if there was a plan or action. There is none. I take action or try to plan. But to no avail. That results in circles. Like a one oared boat.

I am not blameless in this situation, on the contrary. I buy lunch out because I am disorganized and never plan lunches. That would save at least $35 per week or $140 a month. Not insignificant.

KD got paid last week, but we were in the hole, so we only have 63% of his check until next week. And next week it will be the same story. The mortgage comes out on Thursday. That takes up a little more than 50% of my check. So if we are in the hole come Thursday, then my check will 50% + whatever the hole is less than the full 100%. We have a weekly day care bill that must be paid. No matter what. Today is Sunday and I can say, with certainty, that we will be in the hole come pay day this week too.

And begin again.

When I am in one of my hysterical moments, KD reminds me of where we were a year ago and then two years ago. While I agree that we are better from those times, it doesn't give me the hope that we will one day be out of this vicious cycle.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results! Well then it appears that I am I N S A N E.


NJDecorator said...

I think many of us are in the same boat. It is scary and I do everything I can to migitate the angst I feel - don't want the kids to see it...

I have to trust that it will get better.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

What a horrible place to be in. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Have you considered attending a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University Program? Or at least reading his book? I think it would make a huge difference in your life.

You would no longer feel would feel like you were finally in control of your money.