I stumbled down the stairs in a cold sweat, not rested in the least.
I had shared with Jer the conversation I had had with the MD, on Friday, so he knew that the doctor had told me to take a test should my period be late. My period was, in fact, not late.
Jer did not, however, witness my mind splitting in half with shear anxiety, as he had fallen asleep on the couch. All those commercials relating to pregnancy, infertility, ovulation on the t.v throughout the night fueled my anxiety. My mind, over and over again, wondered what this MD knew that I did not know.
I said, "go to the store and buy a test." He moved more quickly than I ever recall, at least that is how it is plays out in my mind, one year later. I set about getting the kids ready for church. Jer returned home and picked up where I had left off preparing the kids for church. I, in turn, took a pregnancy test.
I climbed the stairs with tears in my eyes.
"Yes?" he said.
I showed him the test and slid down the wall, not believing.
Thoughts raced through my head. RACED. "How could this be? We are SO close to being done with day care. Ollie is one year away from school, ONE YEAR away. The finish line is there, I see it. We would only need someone in the afternoon a couple of days a week. Freeing up a whole bunch of cash. This is the year of ME. I am really beginning to focus on my career. Our finances. Our house is so small! Our family is COMPLETE." These represent only the ones that I remember...I fought the tears back so the children would not ask why I was crying.
We hugged and hugged hard. "Our family is not complete," Jer said. He went onto to say, "God has bigger plans for us, than we have." And with that sentiment coming from a man who generally does not believe in a Higher Power, I knew it to be true. God had bigger plans for us.
We piled the kids in to the car and I took them to church. I could not contain my tears and they spilled over. I couldn't imagine being in a better phyiscal place than church, in my confusion and, yes, sadness. It was a horrifying feeling. We went up for communion and then were annointed with oil. All of us. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was 41. The physcial implications of pregnancy over 40 were not lost on me. And they haunted me.
When we arrived home, Jer was in the shower. On the table was this note:
Today, because I am with you...
I am filled with hope...
I am filled with faith...
I am filled with readiness and strength...
We will walk together, closer today, than before.
You, I, we are among the blessed for what we have gone through,
for all that we have, and for everything that we will build.
Because I am with you.
I love you.I am pretty sure that beats any and all Valentine's, don't you think?
And who could have imagined on that dark day...That this little man...
...who was planned for our family long before we could have even imagined...
that this little man ... completed our family.
Happy Valentine's Day!